| lame!!! |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|01:11 pm] |
i decided i'm going to start writing in my LJ more often... but maybe that's only because i'm in study and i'm efing bored as shit... not sure, but we'll see!
this weekend i efed up biiiggg time..
friday night i hung out with jess, we went to her boyfriend mike's house, he also lives in pompton lakes... there was this kid eddie there, and he was cute, and i was drunk, soco and lime shots are probably my favorite thing ever. but anyway, i ended up hooking up with eddie. the next day, i get about 453 phone calls from everybody that goes to PLHS asking me what happened. i didn't know why but later that day i found out that Eddie was Danielle's (a friend of mine) ex boyfriend! HIGH FIVE JILLIAN. i really feel like shit. but i can't do anything about it and i told her i didn't know it was herrrr eddie... fuck, i get a big fat F- for that one. guh, whenever i meet a guy from here on out i am calling every one of my girl-friends and asking if they've dated and or hooked up with him before.. cause this is getting ridiculous. the world's such a small place...
but!
on another note,
i met this kewl cat Kenny
HE HAD GRILLS
REAL GRILLS
so everytime i saw him that night i would say:
"smile for me daddy, i wanna see ya grillz!"
haha. he was awesome.
mmm right now i am in school and rasha is annoying the shit out of me and i might punch her in the face. and after study i go to Current Events and then English. then i'm picking up my kids from school and watchin'em until about 5:30. then i have a sports awards thing. then i'll probably get high or something. the rest of this week i don't have to be in school until 9:20 and that is A-OK with me! ;)
have a looovely day!
Take it easy today and try to avoid the people who are adding drama to your life.
--that is my horoscope for today
exxxcelent.
oh yeah, it's alex's birthday... mmm, not that that's important or anything.. just throwin' it out there.
what?
love,
jillian
p.s. emily and i share a birthday and it is March 28th!
get ready to PaAaRrRrTtTtAaAaYyYy!!!
p.p.s Bahamas july 23! cannnot wait to sit a bar and drink with daddy! haha<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|07:46 pm] |
i don't want to graduate
i love fencing but i'd rather be working
i don't want to turn 18
i hate school more then anything and all it does is make me completely miserable
i hate not having a job
not working makes me feel worthless
i have to stop cutting school but i can't help it
i have no will power at all
every day i wake up and think i'm going to be a failure at life
i want to quit smoking
i'm glad my brother's alive after his accident this weekend
today has been by far the worst day of my life. |
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| what you do to me feels like i'm floating on air. |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|08:41 am] |
i don't really like writing in my live journal because i feel like an asshole after i finish an entry, but i'm in school, in the library, with a whole 40 minutes and nothing to do and tons and tons of shit running through my insane mind. so i figured whatever, it won't kill me....
christmas is almost here and that is awesome. i love every single thing about christmas. as a matter of fact, i love every single thing about everyday fron november 20th - january 2nd. around this time everyone just seems happier, kind, and full of love. hokay jill! that was the lamest thing you've ever said. aHA. but yes, christmas is real close and that makes me real happy.
hmm... what else. oh yeah! tomorrow is our first fencing shrimmage in somerville, it's a pain in the ass going all the way to somerville but i'm real excited about this season.
i'm really confused and i have no idea what the fuck alex is thinking 99% of the time. actually, 100% of the time. he changes his mind often, and i feel like i'm waiting for something that's not ever going to happen. he's really a good guy, he's just confused and extremely messed up right now. was that mean? haha. i don't really trust him 100% and that causes like extreme problems like me freaking out most of the day about what other girls he could be talking to, i mean i think that if he did something that he know would hurt me, that he would EVENTUALLY tell me, i just wish he could just settle for me and just me. and i shouldn't think this way because that probably just pushes him away more. and what's worse is that i usually bring it up to him, whatever crazy thought is running through my head, which makes him think i'm nuts, which maybe i am... but that's not the point.. but, last night he was over and i freaked out like extremely bad but i kept it to myself and didn't say a word to him about it. i'm glad i didn't because it avoided a ridiculous fight. but i'm angry i didn't because i'm still unsure about it and i'm afraid it's going to build up inside me and i'm going to go insane one day, or that what i think may actually be true and me not knowing now, and finding out later... not good! healthy jillian! i seriously have some crazy issues. i like him a whole lot though and i hope one day he like... stops confusing me and just fucking talks to me. that's another problem, he doesn't talk to me, unless crazy insane out of her mind jill brings up something to talk about, he won't say a word about anything. that's not good, because i seriously never fucking know what the hell is going through his weird mind. guuuuuh. this boy has got my entire heart. please be gentle, i'm fragile. <3
today i got myself out of a cut by pulling some weird reallly believable story out of my ass. high five for me. and after 4th period, i'm going shopping at toys r us with marketing for the orphanige party, i'm real excited!!!
have a good day!
i know what you're doing, i see it all to clear. i only taste the saline when i kiss away your tears. you really had me going, wishing on a star, but the black holes that surround you are heavier by far. i believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn. well it must have been that yesterday was the day that i was born. there's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide. 'cause i am barely breathing, and i can't find the air. i don't know who i'm kidding, imagining you care. and i could stand here waiting, a fool for another day. but i don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price, the price that i would pay. everyone keeps asking, what's it all about? i used to be so certain, and i can't figure out, what is this attraction? i only feel the pain. there's nothing left to reason and only you to blame. will it ever change? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2005|09:43 am] |
and he has the nerve to ask me why i don't like him or his girlfriend.
1. exactly one week before you started "going steady" with her, you were having sex with me at my best friends house.
2. you lead me on extremely bad.
3. everytime we were hanging out, even though you know it upset me, you would leave and talk to her for hours on the phone and then come back and you would be all over me again.
4. i don't like people that are literelly CHOSEN OVER ME, espeically when they have absolutely nothing special.
5. i'll never put myself through that again so when either you or fuck up and it's over, don't even dare comming back to me.
so there you are, and here i stand. as far as i remember, you weren't half bad. your bedroom behavior was never more than checkmarks on bedposts. for i remember we never had. you get me out of the rain, you get me out of my clothes. you hope i don't make a sound, you hope nobody knows. you get me out of the rain, you get me out of my clothes, you hope i don't make a sound, you hope that on one... so suck your so called pity down. hey, that's not so bad, is it? so take your cold, cold heart and drown and don't forget to take deep breaths. so suck your so called pity down. hey, that's not so bad, is it? so take your cold, cold heart and drown. and don't forget to take deep breaths. |
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| i never thought it would come to this. |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|06:47 pm] |
today was a really nice day. i was actually completely happy all day, i wasn't angry or sad once. that hasn't happened in a really long time. i wrote letters to people that mean a lot to me, people that meant a lot to me, people that broke my heart, and people that still have my heart today. i read them over and it made me feel a lot better about a lot of things that have been building up. of course i'll never send these letters nor will i ever let anyone read them. but it just made me understand why things happened the way they did better. you should try it, seriously.
annnd i have a fencing meeting at 7:30. i'm super excited. oh ohhh!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2005|09:14 pm] |
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i realized today that i've grown up a lot. i could ruin a life so bad right now and it would probably make me extremely happy. normally, i'd jump right on it and do it. but i'm holding myself back and letting things happen. i'm pretty proud of myself. consider yourself lucky, scumbag. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|11:11 pm] |
last night, i hung out with a few friends that i haven't really seen in a long time. it made me realize that no matter how much we all want it, we will never be as close as we were last summer. a summer i will never forget. i sat on megans bed and just watched and thought about things, i've come to the realization that they have all taught me something different. every single one of them. i spent so much time with these people which means they automatically hold a special place in my heart forever. when we were all friends, i always had someone to turn to. they mean so much to me, all of them. i want them to know that even if things will never be the same, that i'm always here for them and that i will always love them because that summer is a summer i will remember forever. thank you, AJ, Mike, Bev, Megan, Nicole, Bri, Steph, Heather, and Bobby. i<3youall. forever.
i also talked to a cousin of mine today that i haven't really seen in awhile, of course she brought up dating. i tried to stay away from it because my "dating" stories are ridiculous and out of control and not normal at all. but my sister jumped in with a few words, and made me finish the story. she really drilled into my head a few important things. i need to stop focusing on boys and start focusing on my life. i pretty much base my life boys and relationships, i'm a senior in high school, have not taken my SATs and have no idea where i want to go to college yet. these are the important things, priority's that i have to take into serious consideration like real soon. she told me that i am extremely to young to be in a serious relationship and i completely agree with her. i guess i just feel like i'm completely alone without a boy in my life. i really need to start growing up like a tiny bit and realize that after high school, i'm pretty much on my own. high school ends in LESS THE A YEAR. honestly, it freaked me out.
i want to:
- go down the shore with emily and sit on the beach and drink coffee, wear hoodies, and just talk.
- i want to get dressed up for halloween this year
- i want to start paying close attention to colleges and school.
- i want to hang out with people in my school, in my grade
- i want to go to an indoor party with a lot of intoxicated people and just have crazy fun.
- i want to go pumpkin picking.
- i want to meet new people and make new friends, keep the old, but meet other ones so i have some variety in my life.
- i want to save a lot of money
- i want to quit smoking
- i want to be able to be in a room with certain people without there being any tension.
- i want to stop drinking so much and have some sober fun nights
- i want to go on a roadtrip with awesome people
- i want to get my priority's straight.
- i want to stop getting so angry that i can actually feel myself getting heated up to the point where i get sick. (yeah this actually happens, a lot.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|02:52 am] |
Kissing
Kissing Language (yup, it's a language)
if a kiss is the Language of Love,
then we have a lot to talk about it...
methods of Love....
+kiss on the ear------"i'm horny"
+kiss on the cheek----"we're friends"
+kiss on the hand-----"i adore you"
+kiss on the neck------"we belong together"
+kiss on the shoulder-----"i want you"
+kiss on the lips------------"i love you" or "i want you"
+holding hands--------"we can learn to love each other"
+a wink-------------------"Let's get it on"
+slap on the butt----"thats mine"
+playing with the ear----"i can't live without you"
+holding on tight----"don't let go"
+looking into each other's eyes-----"let's get romantic"
+pulling hair on head----"tell me you love me"
+arms around the waist---"i love you too much to let go" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|10:35 am] |
this summer bev, aj, me, and everyone else are going to:
- go to bris for a fun night like last summer
- go to bev's house in NY for a weekend and PARTTY
- go down the shore.
i swear we are. |
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| 'cause man i know we never get things right! |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|10:30 am] |
this week was interesting.
sunday - worked until 9, hung out with emily & ethan, went to gregs.
monday - called out of work, listened to hustle & flow music with em for 2 hours - (cassidy, i'm a huslter. and Mike Jones, Back Then). then hung out with em and doug all day.
tuesday - worked from 12-6, hung out with samantha, got a half hour of over time
wednsday - worked 12-6, hung out with bev, went to beccas, left early 'cause i felt uninvited. the elextricity went out at work and it was super fun, i ran around the dark store with sarah.
thursday - worked 12-6, went to jackies with aj and bev after ajs car broke down so i ended up driving.
friday - work 12-4, then im going to a show with greg even though he only asked me because he has no one else to go with.
saturday - leave for cape cod for a week =*( i really dont wanna go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|12:10 pm] |
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and please pick me, i'm a terrible mess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|04:18 pm] |
my life is amazing. seriously. i have not one thing to complain about except for my job, and come september, that will be taken care of too.
i officially started birth control today. i know this isn't a way of saying "jill, go have sex with everyone now!" i don't plan on doing that. i just feel a lot better about everything now that i know i'm on it.
i took 3 pain killers today because i had major cramps and then i ate something and threw it up everywhere. it sucked real bad.
last night, chris ohan, jim, bill, wrock, nicole, steve, and dave were here. we smoked and then i showed chris some convos i had from when i was obsessed with him. of course it made everything weirder but it was really funny at the same time.
i called out of work today. i know i shouldn't have, but i'm so sick of wasting every beautiful day in the shoprite of oakland. it sucks extremely bad. i cannot verbalize how much i despise that place. it makes me sick.
my brother was in the police academy today, and he had an asthma attack and got kicked out. he has to see an asthma specialist before he's aloud back. he goes back in jan. i feel extremely bad for him because he wants this so bad, but he's happy that he's aloud back. fuckin' asthma, sucks.
i hate being broke
and needing so much.
i miss emily, greg, and rebecca.
nothing amazing has happened this summer and that's a huge dissapointment, but i have been having a lot of fun even doing the same thing every night. it's just with fun people, which makes everything ok.
i want to go visit audrey for her birthday.
i have to go away for a week and i really don't want to.
the boy my sister is in love with, who i don't like 'cause he makes her sad, called my sister today and a few minutes later said "gotta go, someone more important" and hung up. she wasn't upset because she's used to it, but it pissed me off. so he called back and i answered and flippped out on him. a 27 year old huge man. i said "stop fuckin' around with my sister, if you ever pull that shit again, i will kill you" and he hung up. i fucking hate that stupid prick.
tonight, i think i'm hanging out with aj, mike, amber, and bev. they're going to bev's house in NY this weekend and i REALLY want to go, but i have work. =( work ruins lives. no, not work. SHOPRITE ruins lives. it's not work, it's fucking boot camp. guhhh.
i bought napoleon dynamite chapstick today. it's pretty sweet stuff.
wooo! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|02:13 pm] |
i have regreted way too many things i've done this summer.
i'm paranoid as paranoid could be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|11:09 am] |
p.s.:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.we raised $275 for stafford. <3 |
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| he's my good feeling. |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|11:00 am] |
yesterday was actually a pretty awesome day. i woke up and talked to my mom about things that i've been stressing about for awhile, she made me feel better. i love my mom. then i got ready extremely fast and went to ashleys, we left for the primal show. it was so unbelieveably hot out. we were all sweating so much. greg and i decided to walk to dunkin donuts in the intense heat, i almost had a heat stroke. primal did an awesome job once again. they never let me down. after the show, greg was really hungry so me him and ohan (who i'm a huge fan of) went to popeyes and watched greg inhale his food. after that, we all decided that we were going to have a party at gregs house. so we did. we all went to gregs and had a lot of fun. after that i went to beckas and we ate a lot of good food, and then went to sleep, in the most comfortable bed ever.
katie confessed her undying love for greg and it made me sad because she really likes him a lot and he doesn't want a girlfriend. i<3katie. she's a good girl.
i woke up at 9, greg picked us up and we drove katie home, now i'm home, i have work at 4, kill me. the end! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|01:17 pm] |
ok, so the wedding. i have some time and i really want to tell you about it. it was amazing.
we got there on thursday, my uncle gary is a party animal. i was real excited. little john and the eastside boys were staying at the same hotel as us, as a matter of fact, they stayed in the sweet my aunt was supposed to have. so she had to stay in a regular room for one night and got it the next night. anyway, the sweet was fucking awesome. it was open bar, every alcohol you could ever imagine. there were so many people there. but i really want to talk about the wedding:
it was fucking beautiful, we were in the ballroom area and it was huge. the ceremony at the church was really nice, tracy (my cousin) looked like a goddess. she's already really pretty but when she was all done up, she looked amazing. her dress was so pretty! at the actual wedding, kristee (tracys sister, my other cousin) made her speach and i've been to happier funerals. everyone was crying. Eddie's brother (eddie's tracys husband) made a speach and was crying so hard, he kept taking shots while he was making the speach. he did an awesome job though, and he's super fucking hot. we ate, and everyone got extremely drunk and danced. tracy and eddies song was "Tiny Dancer" by elton john because tracy always sings that song to eddie. it was perfect. i want my wedding to be EXACTLY like their's was. the theme was black and pink, after the wedding, my crazy uncle said "after party upstairs in room 1015" so EVERYONE went up there and partied until like 4a.m. i had so much fun. i wish i lived in indiana. it's so nice out there. i'll have pictures later. |
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| this is the letter i wish i would recieve from a different boy. |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|11:39 am] |
This morning my phone rang at 5:45am - they must have wanted me to sub, but I was too tired to get up and answer.
My brain started spinning with thoughts of guilt and regret. "I should've picked up. I need to work. Stop being lazy you sonofabitch."
Then for some reason unbeknownst to me, an image popped in my head. An image that soothed and succored. An image that rocked me back to sleep. It came from my subconcious, almost like a dream - but I was still awake.
The image was of you Jilly.
I don't know why. Maybe it was because we had talked earlier and you were still on my mind. Maybe it was because I'm a weirdo. Either way you came to my rescue. You held me in your arms, your scent so sweet - like the airs of Spring on that first day warm day that melts the snow away.
My mind flooded with memories of childhood. Carefree and sun-soaked days dreaming of summer loves. You and I, holding hands in an endless field of dandelions. You never stopped smiling - and neither did I.
Then sleep came. A sleep so sound and so safe. A sleep with dreams so vivid and full of life - that I could question which is the real waking world. And there, under covers and in the warmth of my mind - you were mine - all mine.
I held you close and we kissed for an eternity. A dizzying kiss, with the fever of the first, and the language of the last. And that was all - we kissed and hugged and smiled. Kissed and smiled till our lips were sore. Hugged till our seams came undone and our stuffing poured forth. You looked me in the eyes, yours sparkling, and whispered, "Why didn't I know that it would be you. All this time, and it turned out to be you."
I knew what you meant, because my thoughts were the same. Life had some plot twists that even movie men couldn't think up. We always think we know what we want, and where we can find it. But the truth is we're all stumbling around blind, bumping into eachother and holding on - hangin on to hope - until our world comes crashing down and we have to find our feet again. And sometimes in that dark and spinning race of hearts, our eyes are just too blind to see what we're missing.
You and I have passed inches from eachother in the night - never knowing - never considering - never letting - never seeing.
But for one night I saw. Last night it was as clear as the skies in my heart. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe just a dream. But now it's a memory as real as my last - and I may never forget it.
And it wouldn't be there if you weren't.
This is my thank you card.
I hope you're always as happy as I was this morning.
And maybe one day we'll find ourselves in that endless field. I promise I won't say I told you so.
- K
P.S. I put my heart into this message - so it must be destroyed as it leaves evidence of my vulnerability. Thanks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|08:28 pm] |
so indiana was amazing. so much to write, i'll do it later. but i want to live there when i get married and get married there. haha. it was amazing.
last night was real awkward, i talked to greg around 2a.m. and he told me to come over. so i did that. it was crazy fun. weird things happend, i got home at 9a.m. and i slept til 4! the end! |
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